How do we help kids through Big Emotions? I get asked these questions a lot:
What do we do when the pet dies?
What do I saw when a family member has a terminal illness?
They have a lot of temper tantrums, what should I do?
This blog will talk about 4 common ways we “help” kids with big feelings.
Ignore
On long car trips we may have done all we can to soothe a little one. Sang a song, offered a snack, offered a toy, stopped to take a break, but they are still sad/cranky/mad. We turn the radio up and just keep going down the road to the nearest rest stop. Can you tell I’ve been here?
Parents also do this when they are preoccupied with social media or busy with the Hussle and bustle of life.
It can feel like a lot to sit with a kiddo who is experiencing some big feelings, and we may not have the time or energy. So, we ignore and move on.
Unfortunately reacting in this pattern often can lead a child to feel ignored, unloved, and uncared for.
Punish
"Go to your room! You are not to yell at me."
Snatching a phone away from a teen who is crying, rolling their eyes, or using the “tone.” You know that teenager tone of ‘I know more than you do about pretty much everything’ tone.
Parents can at times punish their kids for strong emotions. And accidentally send a message that anger, sadness, and worry are inappropriate feelings to feel.
Now in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a mom, and I would agree 100% that we have standards of behavior and decency. We are not going to “act a fool.” But when that 7-year-old stomps his feet, crosses his arms at me. Could there be another way? Other than laying the hammer down that is.
Rescue
This is my favorite!!! I treat a lot of kids with anxiety, and it is hard for parents to see their children feel uncomfortable emotions. Aren’t we the kissers of boo-boos? Aren’t we the nurturers? Don’t we wear t-shirts that say, “Mama Bear.” We take pride in protecting our children.
Bully at school?
“Oh I’m calling that school, hand me my cell phone!”
Bully on the bus?
“Oh no sir, I will drive you to school before I’m going to let some bully kid talk to you that way.”
Teacher a little too strict?
“Oh let me send him an email. He must think he is all high and mighty.”
Lost a soccer match?
“Let me buy you some ice cream to cheer you up.”
It doesn’t sound all bad, am I right? I want my kids to be happy. You want your kids to be happy.
However, we could accidentally be sending that message that hey it’s not okay to be sad. When the goldfish dies, and I sneak and buy a new one. I’m missing the opportunity to teach about death, and to sit and cuddle with a little girl who is crying. Or to have a fish funeral in the back yard. Kids need to learn how to help their bodies feel better, and how to calm down their minds in tough situations. Because in the words of Kid President, “Life is tough but so are you.”
Emotion Coaching
This one may seem unfamiliar.
This one is about being present with the emotions and allowing them to be felt.
We all want to feel seen.
We all want to be heard.
We want to feel loved, and accepted, just as we are.
Even if that is a pile of dirty tissues on the floor of our bedroom after a dog gets hit by a car. Those tissues are okay and so is sadness.
Here’s how it works!
Acknowledge the emotion: “I can see you are feeling ________”
Acknowledge their body: “I can see that your shoulders are really tense right now.”
Ask an open-ended question: “Tell me a little bit about how you are feeling?”
Brainstorm a coping skill: “What do you need in this moment?” (Pop bubble wrap, go on a walk, sit and talk, get a hug, hug a stuffed animal, punch a punching bag.)
This is a blog for another time, but right now in the height of emotions, kids may not be ready to talk in detail about things that have happened. They may not be able to think of a logical solution to their problems. It’s okay to say, “And we can talk more about this later if you want to.” Right now, let’s deal with the emotions, we can revisit the problems of the world when they are a bit more regulated.
This blog is based on the work of Becky Bailey
If you want to access some free resources on her website, you can sign up for a free subscription or a paid one.
https://consciousdiscipline.com/free-resources/